I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
