He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
