she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
