Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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