My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
