i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
