So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
