my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My dick has a subreddit
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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