why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
