i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
