I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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