i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
