I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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