im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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