I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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