she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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