i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
