Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
