she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
