Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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