id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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