Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize