last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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