The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
