and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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