i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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