I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
