you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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