i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
