If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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