I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
