Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
