I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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