when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
