Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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