That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
