Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
