Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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