My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
