You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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