last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Randomize
