I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
