I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
