Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
