mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
