I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
