The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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