Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
