i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
