i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
