Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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