I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
