Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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