Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
