If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
