my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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