i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
