Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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