I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
