How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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