I think I won the penis lottery.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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