I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
