I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
