So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
