i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
